June 23, 1995. Kaiser Behavioral Medicine, Oakland CA
after moving to berkeley i was really struggling with having to start over.
with no job and being an unknown in the music community, i was doing temp work
and going to open mic nights. it all felt like a huge setback.
i started getting depressed, so i made an appointment to see someone in kaiser’s
behavioral medicine department. a therapist.
she told me i had a “peter pan complex”, and referred to my music ambition as a
“rock star fantasy”.
i left feeling worse
i recently requested a copy of her notes from the session.
maybe her observations were accurate, but the way she presented them to me at
the time was not at all helpful.
here are some excerpts from her notes:
34-year-old wm, single but lives with fiance
musician: guitar, sings, writes
obsessed with grandiose musical dreams
has pursued career in music full-time since college, which has yet to pan out
presents with high anxiety w/ somatic symptoms
manicky defenses – hard to relax
explored family scripts, unmet dreams
his style is intellectualizing: “yes, but”
value of self without stardom? sees alternative as being a loser
recently produced CD on credit card $
understands parallels to gambling – can’t stop now
youngest of three sons
10.25.95
no further contact